This account is currently just a remnant of the past

I've changed a fuckton in the past 2 years since I left this account, not the same person at all lol

I feel like I've changed for the better, I feel more mature and I can handle situations and stress more healthily.

I've learned allot by myself. I go by Jenna now, and I am a girl, please don't call me by my username (I can't change it :c)

Probably won't be using this account much. If I can get the money to pay for supporter to change my username then I'll likely come back, but idk. If I do come back I am scrapping a large majority of the posts on here, MAINLY the vent posts coz those are just silly looking back on them now. Keeping the art tho coz those are happy memories

I apologize for how I've used this account in the past. I was like,, 16 or something, going through allot of mental changes and stuff. You know how we are when we're young. It's cringy as fuck lol. I'm technically still a teen but I'm nearing adulthood so,, yeah. I don't wanna sound too mature tbh coz I still think I'm a kid haha, but y'know what I'm getting at.

Have a good day <3

Hello. I'm not dead. Just super busy. Got put into a mental hospital etc. I'll write a better post when I get home prolly. <3

Been a while since I loaded up Newgrounds. Took a break from the internet. I needed to let my brain rest. Can't say it got much rest to be honest... but I tried. 

Overall I have been alright. Today is just amazing, the air is chilly and feels great, and I am in an awesome mood! School has been... well it's been bearable to say the least. Lots of dumb drama, a few silent internal attacks during class, an existential crisis again, but nothing too new I guess. At home I have been pretty happy for the most part.

My sister, who has been nothing but negative and hateful towards me my entire life, has decided this week to be the most loving caring thoughtful sister she can be and it's pretty suspicious. I think she wants something other than just a family bond. Sure seems like it.

The weather is just SO AWESOME! It is cold! COLD! The first cold day since Summer started! I love the cold with a passion! The feeling of the air when I breathe in, the dryness, the lack of annoying biting insects! It is just amazing! I really want to get in my car and just drive with the windows down and listen to San Holo... buuut I still have half a year before I even take drivers ed so that is a big nope.

Korea Club is getting better too! I have the phonetic alphabet, and I know a bit of the vocabulary too. Enough to say Hello, How are you, Introduce myself, Yes, and No. The Taekwondo I am also getting better in too so there is that.

I've also drawn a bit more, and I'll need to get around to transferring those images to my laptop so I can upload them here. A dragon a few dinos, and a Mosasaur!

That ImNotEmo idea... yeah fuck that lol. I was super tired when I made that post I did not give it ANY thought. It is super dumb. My current name is perfectly fine, I was just pressured to make something original. I'm fine with what I have lol.

I'm super excited for Volume 6 of RWBY! I am rewatching Vol5 to catch myself up.

I'm also thinking of getting back with my exgirlfriend. It is quite obvious she is into me again, I am kind of into her again, and we've gotten over our summer dispute that drove us apart. But her Dad is my real issue. He is insane. You know those stereotypes where the father threatens his daughters BF with a Shotgun? He would instead use a medieval greatsword or warhammer. Pretty sure he owns them too.

He is super into things like LARPing and DnD and gaming, but he is such a narcisisstic asshole. Everything is about superiority with him. Everything! I can not stand him and his dipshittery. With an ego that size I'm guessing something else of his is quite tiny owo

Felt like giving a little update. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend <3

My current name Jake87Game is a shit name that nobody will remember. Buuuut I had an idea for basically a rebranding. Everyone calls me emo, and I always deny it, and I just randomly thought of a very super simple name that could honestly work.

I'mNotEmo.

Wow. So cool. Such amaze. Best name ever. 10/10. I know it seems like a dumb name but it is just a thought for the future. I have not seen anything similar to it before, and if I do ever get big it could be a good like brandname for people to easily recognize me by. Because nobody is going to recognize my current name, even less so find it interesting.

I just looked up that name. Zero users on this site have it! Quick I gotta make an alt and steal that name XD!

Ugh I have School in just a few hours... I am not ready for today T_T

EDIT: Okay so I was like super tired and not with it when I made this post and I never really had a good chance to think on it. I hate this idea now lol it is totally dead and thrown out the window

Korea Club was pretty fun today. I arrived late, and everyone had already gone to the gym by the time I arrived at the room for the Taekwondo section of the class. They were doing some sorta sideways kick, practicing it at least.

I may have joined late but I quickly figure it out lol. Everyone was in groups of two, but since I joined late I had to be in a group of three since it was odd. Someone stood in a T-Pose holding out foam pads for us to aim at. The aiming is still a little difficult but I got it down for the most part.

Then we got to the punching bag. That was super fun to kick! I even started doing 'Kiais', when you sorta shout to increase power in the move. We just did simple stuff. Got in a stance, lift our knee straight up, tilt it sideways and point our other foot back, and kick. Then bring your leg back in, and set it down straight, then swap legs.

I got really good at it, and so did a few others. So then the teacher said we could try and combo into the second kick instantly if we felt confident enough. The girl in front of me tried... and fell on her ass... hard. She laughed it off, but I think she may have been genuinely embarrased. Then it was my turn.

I did it flawlessly on my very first attempt. I even made the kiai and went "HAH HAH!" Everyone cheered, and the teacher was even impressed. I really didn't feel like I did it all that good, but after seeing everyone else I guess I should feel a little proud.

It reminds me of the time during gym when we had an obstacle course where we raced a partner. I wanted to win really badly, so when it got to the somersault bit I kinda just... accidentally did a frontflip... I guess I am naturally good at gymnastics and the like. I definitely have the body for it. I might try something like that out sometime in the future. Well... I guess I already am haha.

Oh boy... and then we got to the language section. I have difficulty understanding the teachers accent, especially when she is saying words in korean lmao. I can not tell when she is saying a sound like H, B, P, D, G, K, whatever. That's not her fault. But it's just difficult. Luckily the two kids who sit next to me are total Koreaboos so they are very helpful haha. We have 30+ pages that we can work on if we want. They are just reading names of objects and practicing writing. I have no clue what I am writing other than 학생 means 'student', 네 is 'yes', and 아니 is 'no'. 

I'm good at the reading. I still need my reference sheet, especially for the vowels. But they all look really similar, sometimes I confuse consonants for compound vowels because they look similar. For the most part I have got it down though. The writing is easy as hell too. I cannot wait until I actually learn what I am writing, and how to actually speak and have a basic conversation in Korean. But gotta take things slow I guess. 

Overall I like it allot. It's really fun, the people are pretty nice, the Taekwondo teacher is really helpful and impressive, and the language teacher is super nice and funny. There is even a girl from South Korea to help when the Teacher is busy, plus a few Americans that are well versed in Korean. They help allot when I get stuck. 

My mom said I might not be able to go to every single class because of her work, which is understandable but still bums me out quite a bit. Hopefully I can friend one of the people and see if they can help get me a ride or something when my mom can't take me. My mom is still against it, but I think my dad is actually proud of me. Impressed at least. He hasn't really been that in a few years since I did Cross Country. So that's something nice.

Can't wait until next week! I'm so excited haha thanks for reading! <3

I apologize for the recent post. I am honestly fine. I was very stressed and needed a vent. Yeah things went to shit but I don't care at the moment. Chill EDM has calmed me way down and I'm alright now. Don't feel the need to offer any help or anything. I don't need it.

So I asked my mom about therapy again... went even worse than last time... I really shouldn't go into any details... my mom kept making these random connections that were just untrue and now she really wants me to get rid of any and all contacts/relationships I have with people that I do not know IRL...

And she... she honestly does not understand and that is my fault. I asked if we could try some sort of mental help and she got mad again because I seem fine. I have a great physical life. But mentally something is wrong, and she would not listen when I tried to explain. So I just shut down.

I shut up. Went mute for about an hour straight. Everything I tried to say was met with me getting put in the wrong due to evidence of connections that said "Jake is just an ungrateful child who needs to stop talking to people online".

I would not have even considered bringing up help if I knew it would turn into that shitshow. Now my parents are just angry at me and think I am ungrateful and a brat. I am so fucking aware of how good I have it, but that does not mean I am completely exempt from having issues myself. And the fact that I am unable to discuss these issues without creating some sort of conflict or drama only worsens them.

I don't even know what my issues are exactly. It's all mental, something in my mind is not right and is putting me through hell, but if I try and explain it then I just sound like either an ungrateful brat or an insane person. It's bullshit.

I'm not abused. I am not mistreated. I am taken care of. The only thing my parents do that I do not like is how they lash out and call me a spoiled brat whenever I do not seem happy.

It's just dumb. Life is dumb. Everything is fucking dumb. My fucking drawings are dumb. Why the fuck do I even draw. It's all so fucking dumb. My mom talked about how I don't do anything with my life and that is apparently one of the reasons I am unhappy. I've started drawing. I've started doing something with my life. Didn't fucking help. None of it fucking made me feel happier. I just felt the same. 

I... goddamn... I went apeshit just then... I need a break from life... I guess I am going to spend the weekend at my Grandmas... so that'll be okay I guess...

Don't feel like offering help or anything. I don't need it. My mom said she'll look into something for me. Even though I supposedly don't need it. I'll be fine I guess...

I'll be fine

Nothin super important here. Just got bored and felt like typing lol

I want to start drawing more human things instead of the usual Dinosaur/Kaiju/Pokemon, but for some reason I am legitimately afraid to. I know how, I have done very rough sketches in the past and they were alright I guess for my experience at the time, plus I've learned allot since then so I can be sure I'll come up with something nice.

But I have this like itch in the back of my skull telling me no because if people didn't call me a girly nerdy weak weeaboo little bitch back then they sure as hell will now, even though I'll be drawing these in total privacy and show them to nobody.

There is no way people would know! So why am I so scared to do it? I don't know aaaaah!

Oh BTW I've joined a Korea club/class so that's cool. Every Wednesday after school. We just learned the basic like phonetic alphabet and spelled our names. Mine is 제이크 (pronounced Jeikeu) The compound vowels are the hardest for me. They all look and sound pretty similar. Plus the teachers Korean accent makes it a little hard to understand when she is speaking english... but that may be because I had to sit in the very back (I hate sitting in the back I am a front row seat person. So much easier right up there and able to get up and around freely)

I have a page full of notes on this. Honestly... first time I have ever actually taken notes on my own without the teacher telling us to. And these notes are sooooo much better than the ones my normal teachers force us to write. I actually was able to go back to them and understand them haha.

I am honestly much more of a Japanese person. I've grown up with Japanese culture always poking it's way in my life thanks to Anime and the original Godzilla movies (Tokyo SOS is one of my favorites!) But I had the chance to learn about a culture I had zero knowledge of and I am fairly sure it will be really fun in the end lol.

...I have yet to discuss Therapy with my mom. I was going to today... but she really does not like me going to Korea club so there already was enough conflict there. In fact, she does not like me taking interest in things outside of my country. Thanks to the wonders of Discord I have friends all over the world. A few good ones I think.

I was talking to one from the Netherlands, my mom asked who I was talking to when she saw me laughing and I told her. Her face just morphed into one of "Omg stop". I do not see what is wrong with me talking to people from other countries and exploring various cultures and stuff. I thinks she wants me to focus more on making friends IRL than over the internet which I guess is understandable... but she doesn't seem to understand that there is nobody for me IRL in this town.

I have one IRL friend and a few people I have positive relationships with but wouldn't call friends. But my one IRL friend, that relationship is falling apart thanks to his toxic new girlfriend. She has barely known him for a year yet acts like they are soulmates until "death do us part". They are barely halfway through Highschool, haven't even been dating for four months, and already talk of future marriage and sex and how they will do all these wonderous romantic things together forever and ever... it's unhealthy

I get it is his very first GF ever, but I have had multiple and have warned him of those exact things. But thanks to his GF being a Grade A Emotional Manipulator he has fallen under the unrealistic ideals of Teen Love. I barely get to even talk to him in the halls anymore. 8 years of inseparable friendship basically thrown out the window for some girl he barely even knows the middle name of. 

Yeah I am jealous :P

Not like romantic jealous. I just want my friend back. I've thought about me and him together before, and I didn't like it. We have (or had) a family bond. Can't turn that into romantic, it would be wrong. But I have been curious about what a boyfriend would be like as of late... might just be a phase though. There arwe absolutely zero guys in my school I would date. Yeah a few of em are cute/nice lookin I guess but they are all total dickheads/asshats/douchebags/etc. Nothing I would even think about being with.

I won't think on it too much. Even if I was like gay or something it wouldn't bother me. I never have been one for labeling my sexuality. Never really thought about it. Open minded is the term I guess. Oh well, I don't care right now lol. I'm literally just letting my fingers type what feels right while my brain sits back and tries to regain the hour of sleep I lost this morning by waking up an hour before my clock went off.

5:41 A.M. right now. Bus get's here in 40ish minutes. I guess I'll start getting ready for school -_- 

Bye <3

The voice is gone. In it's place, feeling. Feeling of pure hatred and anger. For no explicable reason. I do not know why. All I know is I feel angry. At who? I do not know. Myself, other people, everyone and no one at the same time. Everything and nothing at the same time.

Music is not helping. Music for the past two years used to help me when I was upset. Now it is just mkaing things worse. I can not listen to songs when I am stressed. What used to bring happiness and relieve stress now causes hatred. I do not know why. The lack of answer only adds to the stress. All fucking weekend it has been like this. I have not been able to do anything without feelings of anger underlying my surface emotions.

What happened to the voice. Did it merely transform into this new mental entity? I hear no more screaming. I only feel. I feel the screams. It is hell. Today is hell. This weekend was hell. Tomorrow will be hell. I can not live like this. This is pure fucking hell. I always thought when I had emotional attacks they were nothing compared to what other people experience. That I never felt true... whatever you describe this feeling as. But today... I know... I know how it feels.

I am lucky there are no devices I could use to hurt myself nearby. I can guarantee if there was a knife I would have done something by now. This is torture. How do I make it stop. How do I end this attack. I do not know what to do.

I have talked to my mom about Therapy last week. She said no because 'I seem fine'. I do not feel fine. At all. Nothing about this feels fine. Nothing at all. I'll talk to her again about it. If she says no again... I don't fucking know anymore

Life is weird. I'm happy as of typing up this post, but that is not to say I am not struggling. I have recently noticed a 'voice' in my head. One of pure hatred and anger and negativity. I am unsure whether this voice has always been around and I never noticed it, or if it is merely a construct of recent stress. I think it may be a combination of both.

The best way I can describe this is Yin and Yang. The person I strive to be is Yang, the white swirl. Positivity, growth, light, etc. The part of me that is holding me back from becoming that person is Yin, the black swirl. Negativity, shadows, insecurity, etc.

While balance and Yin Yang seem like a good thing to many, it feels like Yang recently is waging war against Yin, and is doing her best to drag Yin as far down as she can. The voice in my head is doing it's best to drag me down a dark pit. I already know the pit very well, I have lived here a good amount of my life. However it was not until this summer that I made my first steps to crawling out of the pit. And in response to my effort, Yang is making sure she can pull me as far down that fucking hole as she can. Farther than I was originally.

It's a struggle. I finally have an idea of who I want to be, what I want to do. I am making attempts at becoming that person. I am trying. It is nowhere near easy however. I fear self harm may end up a result of the battle. I've already almost given myself a black eye during an emotional attack.

Looking back on this now... I think one reason I am not winning the battle is because I have been pushing against Yang too much. Yin Yang is centered around balance... I have been attempting to snuff out Yang entirely. I need to fnd a way to get her to at least stop attacking me without fighting back to destroy her. To me, it really sounds like I am talking nonsense at this point. But it is simply the best way I can describe it.

New drawing sometime soon hopefully <3 Something human this time! Not a Dinosaur or a Pokemon like normal. I need to branch out from my usual drawings and figure out how to draw multiple things to help build myself more and develop my art. I may draw myself, but I may also draw an anime character I love. One or the other haha. Thanks for reading <3