Life is weird. I'm happy as of typing up this post, but that is not to say I am not struggling. I have recently noticed a 'voice' in my head. One of pure hatred and anger and negativity. I am unsure whether this voice has always been around and I never noticed it, or if it is merely a construct of recent stress. I think it may be a combination of both.
The best way I can describe this is Yin and Yang. The person I strive to be is Yang, the white swirl. Positivity, growth, light, etc. The part of me that is holding me back from becoming that person is Yin, the black swirl. Negativity, shadows, insecurity, etc.
While balance and Yin Yang seem like a good thing to many, it feels like Yang recently is waging war against Yin, and is doing her best to drag Yin as far down as she can. The voice in my head is doing it's best to drag me down a dark pit. I already know the pit very well, I have lived here a good amount of my life. However it was not until this summer that I made my first steps to crawling out of the pit. And in response to my effort, Yang is making sure she can pull me as far down that fucking hole as she can. Farther than I was originally.
It's a struggle. I finally have an idea of who I want to be, what I want to do. I am making attempts at becoming that person. I am trying. It is nowhere near easy however. I fear self harm may end up a result of the battle. I've already almost given myself a black eye during an emotional attack.
Looking back on this now... I think one reason I am not winning the battle is because I have been pushing against Yang too much. Yin Yang is centered around balance... I have been attempting to snuff out Yang entirely. I need to fnd a way to get her to at least stop attacking me without fighting back to destroy her. To me, it really sounds like I am talking nonsense at this point. But it is simply the best way I can describe it.
New drawing sometime soon hopefully <3 Something human this time! Not a Dinosaur or a Pokemon like normal. I need to branch out from my usual drawings and figure out how to draw multiple things to help build myself more and develop my art. I may draw myself, but I may also draw an anime character I love. One or the other haha. Thanks for reading <3
Just a remnant of the past
I've changed a fuckton in the past 2 years since I left this account
I go by Jenna now, please don't call me my username (I can't change it :c)
Jenna~💕#0221
Jenna
@Jake87Game
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Life is Weird (but not Strange)
Posted by Jake87Game - August 30th, 2018
NyanaCreation
i hope it's just thoughts, not like a physical voice because if that was the case i would check it out but the situation i can understand.i think it's more that you have to learn with the negative part of yourself. for me this is a huge part of me. i have alot of emotional trauma as well as physical scars all over my legs of self harm. for me i always lived in that dark hole but i have slowely seen that there are ways to make myself enjoy live. one of those things is ignoring bullshit comments :p like people compairing you to themselfs and trying to bring you down, for who you are etc. it's really hard to crawl out of that pit because for me i am so sure i will never be able to get out of it because i have to much bagage i walk around with. it sucks but i choose for myself and tried to help others what made my day alot better and because of that i got this huge support group. (what i still cannot believe because i am not special at all)
i started to enjoy and appreaciate all the little things in live, like being with friends and spending time with people. i dont know still how to get out of that hole because i have been stuck in that hole for 10 full years from what i can remember. but i know i can enjoy the little things. i dont fight anymore the dark part inside me because it's hurt and scared but i found one person i can trust with it. before i met him i shut it inside because people couldnt help me and that was kind of a mistake. talking to him and him caring about me was the biggest relieve i had in months mabey years. i think someone to talk to would really help even if it was just a friend or even a stranger. talking about what you feel or writing it down has saved my life multible times. and mostly the writing because i don't talk about how i feel :p anyway don't let the dark part destroy you and otherwise if it gets bad PM me okay. i am always willing to help out. anyway your amezing, friendly and talented don't forget that. i really think you could become so much more (and your already alot so that sais something) but after all that rambeling i can just say stay potitive ^^ and i believe in you.