I know what I want to do with my life.
I want to make art. Not just draw. I want to like make worlds. Something that feels alive. Like, painting I guess. No actually, not painting. I want to just create. Scenes, worlds, anything. Things that cannot be seen in real life because they don't exist. I want to make them appear so real that you would think for a moment they are. That's why I loved Jurassic Park. I literally am John Hammond. I want to make something real.

My issue? I have no clue where to start. I have zero experience. I have no opportunities to gain experience. My school doesn't offer any opportunities to do anything like that. I don't know how to start. What I need is to be put on this path properly. I'll try and look for some online art schools. But online schooling is not really a viable option for me because my internet is just abysmal.
I know for certain I'm not just talking out my ass here over a phase. I've done that several times. I know what that's like. All of my phases have been in the sense of wanting to create something that does not exist in the real world. Transformers, Dinosaurs, Aliens, Skyrim, Pokemon, all of them have been me wanting to bring these things to life, or if not that then live in their world.

I want to create. If it is not alive I want to make it alive. I do not wish for it to die. I hate when fandoms/franchises and the like die. Because it means that world dies. I've been looking at my life all wrong. Well... not wrong. I just haven't been looking at it. I've been too focused on the current franchise I am addiced to that I have not realized they are all connected and for good reason.

I always feel disconnected from the real world. I never feel like I can be apart of it. People shut me out of their lives, so I shut the entire world out of mine and have tried living in these fantasy worlds that do not exist. I've started RP, RolePlay, lately. I've made a few different characters and have ultimately had a blast living in the fantasy worlds of RP. Sure, I've had a few stressful moments due to RP but those were all caused by my normal teenage bullshit. When the drama hormones aren't kicking in and I am just being me it is just amazing. I feel like I actually am the character in this world and everything feels real.

Even when the chatroom is talking out of character and no actual RP is happening I still feel like I am apart of something. I feel welcomed. In my main Discord group I feel like I'm actually apart of something. There are people there who like me for who I am and offer help when I am upset. I feel like I have taken those people for granted and I am sorry. And to the people who I don't get along with I am sorry as well. You seem like great people, even though we do not get along.

I love you all so much for everything you have helped me through. To everyone I have met online, I love you all.

Nyanacreations. Thank you so much for everything. You have helped me so much.

Cecameron. I know you will not read this, but I absolutely love your comic series and it has inspired me greatly. Thank you.

OldWhiskeyGuy. You are the best fucking Pole I have ever met. You've helped me, you've inspired me, I look up to you. Thank you so much.

Newgrounds. You have played a big part of helping me find what I want to do with my life. You are so amazing and filled with so much inspiration. Whenever I feel upset, I just open up Newgrounds.com and scroll through what everyone has made and I after a good ten minutes of scrolling through I feel so rejuvinated. Thank you.

Everyone else, if I could I would fucking hug you. I mean it when I say I thank you for putting up with my bullshit. I may have taken everyone for granted, but I will do my best to never forget.

Lately I've recieved a swarm of suggestions to draw various pokemon from people on Discord after I told them I'd draw what they want to see, and so far it's been a really good way for practicing my drawing. I have a pretty big list of Pokemon to draw and I only have the first 3 done.

Houndoom

Pyukumuku

Ampharos

Eevee

Absol

Rayquaza

Sylveon

Hoopa

I'l upload them here as I finish them, so far I'm quite proud of what I've come up with lol

My mental state has been... wierd to say the least. Sometimes I'm happyish other times I'm having existential crises... and I hate it.

I met somebody on Discord that RPs and It got me thinking. I've always wanted to at least try and RP, but I've never felt confident enough to. I realized just how bad my confidence is. I've always wanted to explore things like writing, music, art, stuff like that. But I've never had the confidence to. I was always too scared. Even behind locked doors. 

I talked a bit about how I used to write fanfiction, one of the few interests I explored. I quit after two years because I thought to myself one day "what if someone I know in real life finds these stories and recognizes me?" So I deleted 90% of the stories I wrote, two fanfic related accounts, and quit Fanfiction for basically ever. I feel like I've basically wasted my life too afraid and unconfident to explore any of my interests. I can explore them whenever I want, but I still feel intimidated. I'm scared somebody I know in real life will make fun of me or judge me for it.

I'm so fucking insecure and I hate it. I want to be able to explore various passions and interests without feeling like this. I hate it. I could have been practicing drawing or writing or anything like that all my life yet I've wasted it by being too insecure and afraid to fucking pick up a pencil and just do what I want. I quit drawing those sketches because I started having anxiety about them as well.

i hate this. How do I get over this. How do I build my confidence to a point where I can actually explore my own fucking interests without worrying about how other people will percieve me. I already think the entire world is out to get me and I hate it.

School starts tomorrow. I'm scared. I don't want to go back to that shitshow. I hate it so much. It has negatively affected my mental state by ruining any social skills I may have had, beaten the creativity out of me, and ruined my confidence. It's just awful. I'd ask my mom if I could try therapy. But I'm too insecure. Ugh.

I'm going to take some headache medicine and then go clear my head and sleep. It might not be so horrible tomorrow. I'll... try and have a decent time I guess...

Thanks for reading... sorry for this emotional shitshow... needed to vent an get my feelings out...

I'm happy.

Not your normal happy, I'm like constantly smiling for no reason happy. It's weird. I think the Shinx is getting to me with it's cute smile. 

Overall today has been fairly uneventful, but that didn't stop me from smiling! I spent most of the day outside looking at and messing with my antmound in my backyard. I think I may get an ant farm when I move out and get a job and have to be an adult in about 3 - 5 or so years idk. I doubt I'll move out the second I turn 18. I imagine thats what most people do, but I don't know. I'm not friends with any 18 year olds and I'm the oldest sibling so I have no clue how it usually works. 

I've been given the entire day to just sit back and think. Think and look at bugs. I found a Velvet Ant, also known as a Cowkiller, and almost poked it not knowing what it was XD Good thing I googled it beforehand.

Don't think I'll draw anything tonight. I just wanna sit back and let my mind wander some more.

Goodnight and thanks for reading! :D

The Carnival/Fair was in town today and I went with my family and some of their friends. One of the friends is a kid a bit younger than me. He's pretty chill, but not like a good friend. More of a hangout buddy lol. We went on the two biggest rides first together. Wonderful idea I know.

I'm not much of a roller coaster kinda guy. especially ones that go upside down, or ones where the bar that holds you in has some wiggle room. I see people all around me smiling and relaxing, while I'm shutting my eyes as tight as possible clinging to the damn seat for my own life so tight that I get blisters on my fingers and palms swearing so much and so loud it puts sailors to shame! 

XD

Yeah... I'm that guy

We walk around for a bit as the other kids go from ride to ride. I thought I spotted a cute stuffed Shinx (A Pokemon for you heckin normies) at one of the games, but I don't see it anymore and it's image is stuck in the very back of my mind.

The next hour or so was spent waiting around to go home. I don't want to go on anymore rides for reasons unknown, and I don't feel like playing any of the games since they're obviously rigged.

The sun is close to setting and I go see a trampoline/juggling show with the group. It was okay. Nothing too spectacular, but not disappointing. Except the music. If Mainstream Media is going to use dubstep (or EDM of any kind) then could they at least pick a good song instead of a garbage "wub" song from 2010?

I have 15 bucks on me and thats when I see it. The adorable stuffed Shinx. It's at a Balloon Dart Throwing game and is the second highest prize. I ask the guy at the stand how do I earn the Shinx, and he says that each of the balloons has a tag with a random score on it, and he'll add the score up. The Shinx being 150 points. For 5 dolars I get 3 shots. 10 for 5 shots and he'll double my socre, and finally 20 for 7 shots and he'll triple my score.

I give him 10 and throw my 5 darts. Miss two ballons but hit the other 3. I only get a score of 50. The game is totally rigged. So I didn't get my Shinx, but instead I was able to take the Bob Marley equivalent of a Banana. I'll just order a Shinx off of Amazon or something lol.

I have had Shinx on the brain since then, and I think I may try and draw one. Something different from a dinosaur since I'm feeling a bit drained on those. Shinx is probably in my top 5 list of favorite pokemon.

1. Seviper. In Pokemon Y, I caught a random female Seviper thinking she would just go into the PC like all the others I caught and didn't feel like using. But instead, I kept using her and she ended up being my first Pokemon to reach lvl100 and she was my strongest Pokemon ever! I also grew a bit emotionally attached to the Seviper due to the new option of playing with your Pokemon and bulding an ingame bond. For this reason Seviper will be my favorite Pokemon for a looooong time!

2. Eevee. I do not understand how anything can be so fricken adorable. It is ungodly how cute Eevee is. 

3. Shinx. I had a Pokemon Ranger game for my DS a few years back. This was my first encounter with a Shinx. When I first saw one I immediately knew it had to be mine (even though the captures in Pokemon Ranger are only temporary lol). It looked so cute and I wanted to hop into the game and hold it in my arms. God I sound so dumb right now XD

4. Cyndaquill. My first ever actual Pokemon game was Heartgold. Cyndaquill was the fire-type starter, the others being Totadile the ater-type, and Chikorita the grass-type. I had trouble deciding what my very first pokemon would be, mostly between Cyndaquill and Chikorita. I didn't care for Totadile lol. I eventually chose Cyndaquill, making it the very first Pokemon I ever owned.

5. Lilipup, Herdier, and Stoutland. These are all in the same evolution line, and they all look so much like my old friend Toby. He was my dog. Emphasis on my. He loved me the most out of the whole family by a major longshot and I may have loved him more than my siblings. He disappeared randomly one day, no trace left. This was almost a year ago. He was with me ever since he was just a pup, a few months old. When he left, I could tell he was going to die soon. I couldn't tell when, just that it would happen soon. His body went from the beautiful tan on his face and his shiny bluish coat to a more aged brown and a scraggly grey coat on his back. When he disappeared, I didn't now what to feel. I was unable to know if he was dead or not, and I was left to assume the worst. It's not like I was able to hold a funeral, or lay him to rest. He just vanished. No trace. No fur. No footprints. Nothin. And this pokemon reminds me so much of him that I put the pokemon in this list to sort of Honor him. I will never forget Toby.

Sorry for depressing you. The point of this post was to rant about that Shinx plushie, I didn't think I'd end up venting about my dog. I'm gonna go draw a Shinx now, I'll post it here if it turns out alright. 

This excludes you Nyana lol

I just want to know if there actually is anyone who is interested in what I say and do (which isn't much but still)

I don't see any indicator if I have any followers or anything, which most likely means I have none. I just wanna know if anyone is actually interested? I know I basically just started and only have like 4 sketches uploaded. I'm still curious though lol

I looked back at the Baryonyx I drew and there are two things I need to work on. The hands and the legs (Which I didn't show trust me it was bad).

I'm focusing on getting the arms correct for now, I'll work on the legs later. I never realized how difficult it was to draw a simple hand. I knew human hands were next level impossible to draw, but dinosaur hands? They have two to three less fingers! How could they be just as hard to draw?? 

The furthest arm on the Baryonyx looks okay, but trust me that was purely by accident. I've tried to recreate something similar and it's so difficult. I've looked at idk how many images on google and deviantart and it's so hard to get right 

I will continue working on the arms for the next few days. If I don't make any progress at all I might cry a little.

I uploaded a Rex sketch I drew up in my free time earlier today. The feathers are iffy but oh well lol

So I just posted a sketch of a Baryonyx and I love it and all but there is just one thing I don't like about it. It's on notebook paper XD

I would get a proper sketchbook that doesn't have all the obnoxious blue lines but I don't have any money and I'm too embarassed to ask for one for some reason. 

I just felt like posting something small today that's it. Lol have a good day :D

I'm back and in a good writing mood! It's been too long lol. 

EDIT: Warning, things get a little emo as usual in the first half but please read all the way through as my way of thinking basically flips entirely 

I'm on the last few episodes of RWBY, it's probably not as great as people continuously hype it up to be but that does not mean it's not a great show. I really love it and reccomend it to some people who don't even watch anime lol

I'm in a creative phase again, this time it's 2D animation. The last thing I thought I would get into turns out to be one of my hardest creative phases ever lol. But the term I'm using, creative phase, it doesn't really work all that well. I want to create, but I feel I lack the one thing that's most important. Creativity. 

When I was first introduced into creating, it was through Fanfiction. The least creative form of content ever. All te characters and settings were already there, all you did was throw something of your own in there and BOOM story. I've never been all that great with originality. At least I think I haven't. I usually (like all teenagers) criticize my self more harshly than I should.

The only real original thing that I've ever made and was really proud of was a Dungeons and Dragons character I made a while back when I used to play DnD. It was basically a boy who loved magic, yet came from a town who had banished it. He was forced to flee home when he was caught using magic (which led to the execution of his abusive mother who was thought to be a Witch), and stumbled across an old Elven wizard named Vanarin who took him under his wing and raised him from then on teaching him magic and stuff. So yeah, I definitely have potential to make some great things. But I haven't really had the chance to actually try and make anything I guess.

I can't afford all these fancy programs to help me explore all the different types of art and content and stuff, or even a computer than can run them. So I have never had the chance to actually try. I hear these stories of great creators growing up naturally drawing or something similar, but I never really got the chance. Well... Okay that's it! Enough of this bullshit! If I want to get anywhere I NEED to be honest with myself. Forget all the sad emo teenager in distress bullshit I made you read. I do have the chance. I just don't take it.

I have a notebook in my room dedicated to drawing, but I only have 2 drawings in there. A sketch I literally copied off of Google Images of G1 Soundwave from Transformers, and a full version of the shit kaiju I uploaded on here. I would draw in there, but I don't know what to draw. EVER. I am really good at drawing things like Kaiju and Dinosaurs and things of the like, and used to do it quite a bit in Middle School, had a notebook full of it, but I got bored of it after a while. It never went anywhere, I was drawing the same things everytime. A profile Allosaur head, a full body Spinosaur, a Raptor running, a side view of a dragon or wyvern or something similar. That is my fault for never challenging myself to draw something out of what I normally did to help enhance my skills. If I continued with that and made an effort to get better, I could see myself uploading great images of those creatures online to showcase them. But I didn't. I gave up. I didn't try. 

I always tell myself "I'm trying" when people tell me I'm being lazy. And I believe it to. I have a bad habit of lying to myself and others living in a world where I do nothing wrong, and it sucks. I hate it. I need to break it. I need to escape. I need to be honest. I like to hold myself up as a person of honor, but liars don't have any honor at all. Okay, new plan. New way of thinking. I'm going to fucking own Highschool after summer break ends. I'm going to try, I'm going to explore what I'm good at, and challenge myself. I'm going to commit. I don't give a shit if everyone hates me, no more emo (okay I'll keep the hair but that's it).

Oh man I need food xD That's enough for today lol

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful day! :D

So I've started watching RWBY finally, and while it does notlive up to the hype that everyone I know has given it, it's still a pretty good show. I'm halfway through season 2 now. Jaune and Pyrrha need to get together already. I ship them so damn hard lol. Ugh, still nothing to say. Oh well :P