The voice is gone.

The voice is gone. In it's place, feeling. Feeling of pure hatred and anger. For no explicable reason. I do not know why. All I know is I feel angry. At who? I do not know. Myself, other people, everyone and no one at the same time. Everything and nothing at the same time.

Music is not helping. Music for the past two years used to help me when I was upset. Now it is just mkaing things worse. I can not listen to songs when I am stressed. What used to bring happiness and relieve stress now causes hatred. I do not know why. The lack of answer only adds to the stress. All fucking weekend it has been like this. I have not been able to do anything without feelings of anger underlying my surface emotions.

What happened to the voice. Did it merely transform into this new mental entity? I hear no more screaming. I only feel. I feel the screams. It is hell. Today is hell. This weekend was hell. Tomorrow will be hell. I can not live like this. This is pure fucking hell. I always thought when I had emotional attacks they were nothing compared to what other people experience. That I never felt true... whatever you describe this feeling as. But today... I know... I know how it feels.

I am lucky there are no devices I could use to hurt myself nearby. I can guarantee if there was a knife I would have done something by now. This is torture. How do I make it stop. How do I end this attack. I do not know what to do.

I have talked to my mom about Therapy last week. She said no because 'I seem fine'. I do not feel fine. At all. Nothing about this feels fine. Nothing at all. I'll talk to her again about it. If she says no again... I don't fucking know anymore

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OatmealPecheneg 2018-09-04 05:48:40

Wow, this is really sad.
Well, I will be honest, you shall try to keep calm and take help from psychotherapist.

Jake87Game 2018-09-04 05:48:40

I apologize. I hate it when I post things like this. But when I get in the mood, all I can do to keep me sane is to type it out and post it. I would delete it... but it doesn't feel honest to. I am sorry.

NyanaCreation 2018-09-04 17:20:56

i am so sorry you feel this way. i honestly don't know to help you with this, the only thing i can imagen is you talking to someone. if your mom doesn't believe you go to school and ask for help there mabey some friends parents could help as well or try to talk to a friend or someone you trust to get it solved or atleast get it out. i can't help you further and i am so sorry. i have been in a horrible stressful invirment and with classes going again it has began to be worse. i am afraid i can't help you enough because of my own mental state but i hope so badly you feel better soon. you don't deserve this and if you ever need help i am there and i'll try to do my best.

Jake87Game 2018-09-04 17:20:56

Nyana. You have helped me so much. But I never asked you to help. The reason I make these posts is to get my thoughts onto a screen so I can review them later and to keep track of how my mental state has progressed over the course of time. If you ever felt inclined or pressured to help I am so sorry. That was NEVER one of my intentions. I am aware you have your own issues, and it would serve you well to focus on those instead of worry about me. I am much better now, I've looked over my post and reflected upon what happened. Thank you so much for all your help, but please, if you are having your own issues help yourself. I'm going to talk about it with my mom. REALLY talk about it. I will get her to find me help even if I appear fine to her. I'll be alright. You have been tons of help and I greatly appreciate that. Thank you so much <3

Jake87Game 2018-09-04 17:35:46

@NyanaCreation Haha... well I just reread it again and noticed I technically DID ask for help... apologies... Last night was really foggy, I just let my fingers flow while my mind rested. So sorry for that

NyanaCreation 2018-09-04 17:46:08

@Jake87Game its fine and i never feel pressured to help someone. i just have this thing i guess that i have wih my personality that i want to help people who need it. i can't stand myself if i don't when they really feel bad. i get what your saying but it wasn't your fault i felt that way. i'll try to take care of myself it's going to be really hard but i will always be there to help you and others even if i am not fine myself. i am just glad your better.

The voice is gone.

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