Hello

My mental state has been... wierd to say the least. Sometimes I'm happyish other times I'm having existential crises... and I hate it.

I met somebody on Discord that RPs and It got me thinking. I've always wanted to at least try and RP, but I've never felt confident enough to. I realized just how bad my confidence is. I've always wanted to explore things like writing, music, art, stuff like that. But I've never had the confidence to. I was always too scared. Even behind locked doors.

I talked a bit about how I used to write fanfiction, one of the few interests I explored. I quit after two years because I thought to myself one day "what if someone I know in real life finds these stories and recognizes me?" So I deleted 90% of the stories I wrote, two fanfic related accounts, and quit Fanfiction for basically ever. I feel like I've basically wasted my life too afraid and unconfident to explore any of my interests. I can explore them whenever I want, but I still feel intimidated. I'm scared somebody I know in real life will make fun of me or judge me for it.

I'm so fucking insecure and I hate it. I want to be able to explore various passions and interests without feeling like this. I hate it. I could have been practicing drawing or writing or anything like that all my life yet I've wasted it by being too insecure and afraid to fucking pick up a pencil and just do what I want. I quit drawing those sketches because I started having anxiety about them as well.

i hate this. How do I get over this. How do I build my confidence to a point where I can actually explore my own fucking interests without worrying about how other people will percieve me. I already think the entire world is out to get me and I hate it.

School starts tomorrow. I'm scared. I don't want to go back to that shitshow. I hate it so much. It has negatively affected my mental state by ruining any social skills I may have had, beaten the creativity out of me, and ruined my confidence. It's just awful. I'd ask my mom if I could try therapy. But I'm too insecure. Ugh.

I'm going to take some headache medicine and then go clear my head and sleep. It might not be so horrible tomorrow. I'll... try and have a decent time I guess...

Thanks for reading... sorry for this emotional shitshow... needed to vent an get my feelings out...

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ZebraHumor 2018-08-07 23:52:37

I make stuff that isn't very good. I hype the hell out of it, and everyone I know thinks I am crazy. Still, that is better than having never made it at all.

NyanaCreation 2018-08-09 19:31:41

i know that feeling. for me i am not confident at all, as well as really shy. i am also freaking stubborn and it's a whole fight in my head before hand. for my first decade at school i only cared about what people thought of me and if my stories where good (they weren't) and i looked at everyone else to approve me. i wanted to be someone else so badly and i saw all the insecurities off myself. i sometimes was to fat (and i am not) and my shoulders to wide, i am to boy-like don't like girly stuff. i can drive an oldtimer and everything isn't right with me. i didn't fit into a box but one day i just said fuck it. i wanted to stop caring so i did. i walked through the halls like myself and not someone elses vision. i did what i loved and i became me. not a girl like everyone wanted me to be who is straight and loves make-up and does nothing but post selfies. no i became me someone who is non-binary, can love anyone (because i am pan ^^ ) and loves to write and draw as well as do cosplay. of course not everyone will like it but the inportant thing is that you do. your you and if someone doesn't like it than they don't have to be around you to show you. eventually the people will come your way who love you for who you are trust me ^^ your already an awesome writer with just your journal i can't imagen what you could do more. just be yourself and enjoy yourself thats what matters. (also your not a emotional shit show ;) your just going through the same shit as everyone. some have it harder than others but there are always people to lissen and to help out) btw i will always try to be there to help out ^^

Jake87Game 2018-08-09 19:31:41

Omg you are literally the best XD Thank you so much, honestly. I don't think anyone has ever been this helpful. I don't think it will be as easy as just saying 'Fuck it' for me, but I will try my best to be more 'me'. A little hard when you're a teenage boy who is into a few things that everyone considers 'girly' lol. I'm pretty sure people think I'm gay/trans/etc because of it lol (not that anything is wrong with identifying as LGBTQ+ It's just not me) but I'll do my best to let things like that not get to me anymore.
Thank you so much, you are so damn helpful it's crazy :D

NyanaCreation 2018-08-09 19:49:53

@NyanaCreation @Jake87Game haha i don't consider myself that helpfull i just have been through a shitstorm from birth so it is just giving people advice ^^ and for me saying fuck it was enough. it gave me the push i needed but i am also a person of action. of course it takes time and it did for me but right now i do what i want (with sometimes having bad times) but i am wearing binders (my awesome friend got me) as well as wearing cosplay and doing my own thing (what gets me in trouble sometimes especially with my teachers) but it's you and they have to accept that ^^ your beautiful already now it's time to share the world i am sure you can do that ^^

Hello

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